* TRIGGER WARNING: ALCHOL AND ADDICTION *
The hardest part in witnessing addiction is not being able to save the person from themselves. Even when you’re putting in your best efforts, providing resources, getting them back on their feet, all to watch them relapse again.
It dwindles your faith so much.
Your faith in your ability to help and in the person, whom you see struggling so much, to get better.
Where did you go wrong? What were you doing incorrectly?
After the self loathing, the giving up, fighting for them again, and again, and again. You realize that it’s not on you.
Sometimes, there’s a level of complacency and unwillingness in their heart to move forward. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing all the things correctly, if they’re not ready.. they’re just not ready and it’s a hard truth to swallow. It's an aching pain that doesn't ever go away.
You watch them reach rock bottom, look death right in the eyes, thinking this is the kick in the ass they’ll need and it still isn’t enough.
Every tactic: the good cop, bad cop, therapist, friend, talking to family, guilt tripping as a last resort - it doesn’t stop them from making the choice and succumbing to their demons.
At some point there’s a choice to be made to walk away. It’s not an easy feat. It’s taken me two years to even muster up the courage because I still foolishly think I can help - even when your actions say you never asked for it.
I had to make a choice, a selfish one, to save myself from the turmoil and the pain; I just pray that walking away is the best thing I can do for you, I pray you overcome your alcohol addiction, and that one day you stand face to face with the demons that are trying to take your life and tell them no more. I thought after you almost killed yourself in January and could've taken someone's life that it would be the wake up call you needed. You could’ve been taken away from the kids you love so much. You were doing so well. This disease is cyclical though. The demons came knocking and you answered the door, let them in and when they left, you were ashamed. I pray you take your life back and get the help you need and I mean that with every ounce of my being. I pray for your recovery, your happiness, and you being proud of yourself once you've overcame this. I hope after you've overcome this, that you remain disciplined, hopeful, and strong.
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