I realize I haven't written on my blog in a while. Not from lack of writing, just from lack of firing up this laptop and typing out anything coherent. The notes in my iPhone have so many saved thoughts, dreams, and feelings; they need to be indexed, much like this mind of mine. It seems like everything is branching off into more and more chaos.
May seems to bring about a bout of depression I have yet to start unpacking, but I've at least opened the suitcase to start healing. I think I've just grown tired of being tired of being here. I have such a sense of guilt for not wanting to exist in this skin and being so uncomfortable in it for so long. I'm at the point where I don't even want to smile anymore. That 'fake it til you make it' mask has melted away. I often wonder if I could 'Men in Black' erase some memories, if I'd have more of a sense of peace in current time or if the trauma and energy is so deeply rooted, I'd still feel connected to them even though the thoughts were gone.
I'm often praised for my resiliency, but it's not a quality that I want to be praised for, because it showcases that I've suffered, shit, I am suffering. I don't want to always have to push through the pain, I want some of it to be easy, handed down, gentle. The roughness has been so abrasive to my nature. It shouldn't have to always been an uphill battle. I want to coast down the hill now.. and be free.
his image was taken from this website. I do not own the rights to it. https://www.reddit.com/r/shittymoviedetails/comments/c1wuzz/in_men_in_black_1997_will_smith_points_to_the/
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