Stay

Stay - Sugarland

I remember when this song was released, and my mom had it on repeat because my dad left us on Christmas. It gives me flashes of their closed bedroom door; my brother, sister, and I were sitting on the living room couch listening to the ruckus from her physically fighting my dad to stay and not leave us for the woman he was in love with. We cried hoping for a different outcome at the time than what eventually unraveled.

I remember her being so livid that she threw a pile of his clothes on the lawn and tried to burn it. She had a time trying to get the lighter to light because it was so cold and windy. I remember just wanting to help because all I felt at the time was betrayal. This man that finalized our adoption three years prior wanted to leave. What did we do to deserve that and why wasn't our Mom D or your 'kids' good enough for you to just stay? He and I were the best of pals and it drove a stake through my heart because what made him any better than anyone else in my life? Everything after that was so messy. My sister was leaving for college, my brother was doing his own thing with his friends, my mom began the endless mental breakdown and I just put my energy into working, school, and taking care of her. I didn't grieve or really process much of my anger until I lived with him and absolutely destroyed his new place at 18 or 19. Even then, I acted like a fucking child throwing a tantrum and didn’t confront him or talk about why I was so angry – and I haven’t to this day. I still harbor so much anger about this because their relationship had failed and the elation I felt from being adopted was short-lived; I understand the complexities of their situation and what led to their demise more now than I did at sixteen, but I don’t care for  the choices that were made by either of them.

Thinking about everything that has surpassed in my life just reminds me why I have this need for isolation and why I don’t trust anyone. The fear of abandonment and the need for affection are clashing forces in all my relationships. I never got the closure that I really needed from each of the “guardians/parents” I had from a young age. Maw Maw left from cancer, my auntie, cousin, and uncle were incarcerated, my birth mom just left us in the hospital and I have no real memories of her besides the ones from my adult life with her catching an attitude with me for wanting answers and refuting the idea of meeting my siblings, my foster parent that physically abused my brother and I bid us adieu at 4-H camp and didn’t give us a heads up, my dad walked out, my mom checked out mentally, and the years following that I made bad decision after the next in choosing incompatible men that wouldn’t stay. I subjected myself to physical abuse and sexual assault because I haven’t patched my own wounds. I never really looked at the correlation in the mates I chose because I thought I was happy and selecting well, but just projected my traumas onto these people. I didn’t really think about being in survival mode my entire life until I started therapy.  I don’t sit still and keep pushing forward despite the chaos that my life is… and I thrive in it, but it’s what I’ve done since I was a child. The messier my jobs are, the more comfortable I am and the moment I start to slow down I’m ready to go to my next project. I’ve made so many poor decisions because of it and that’s something I have to just live with and accept. I told myself I am going to stick with therapy this time. I’ve aware of more now than I was previously and maybe, just maybe, I can get to where I need and want to be.

I know now that not all relationships are meant to last, some shouldn’t even begin, but the human need and mind are so complex. The more we understand and accept ourselves, the better we can facilitate change and operate in more gratitude. I want to just let go of all of this anger and bitterness I have and just point my arrow where I want to be instead of being held back by my past.

It's crazy how a song can create such pensiveness and reflection on what has been and what we hope to happen. Thank you Jennifer Nettles.