I wrote this at the end of April and contemplated posting it, because it shows a side of me that I .
like to keep hidden. I hate being vulnerable, I hate talking about my feelings, and I hate feeling the sense of burdening people with my troubles and issues, because they already plague me. I realize that my sadness is just as important as my happiness; sitting with my emotions, talking about them, and being transparent is imperative. Writing about how I am feeling has always been a safe space for me, not people.
I feel like I’ve been screaming into a void lately; It’s vast...and empty.
I had a conversation with a colleague, who unfortunately lost a loved one and friend to suicide. All I could muster up was “I’m sorry and I’m here for you.” When they said that they didn’t even realize they were having it so rough, all I wanted to say was that I completely get that; I’ve been there and somehow was able to get myself out of it, but sometimes our pleas and cries for help, however we do those, aren’t noticed. It’s the small things that are triggering when the anxiety takes over and it feels like the pain from every traumatic incident is insurmountable. The little thread that we're hanging on by, snaps, and it can[t be mended back together once it does. There are things that we don’t speak about that plague us in our darkest times, It's a deep rooted shame and guilt. We smile because we don't want to risk burdening others. It's already hard enough to bear its weight and as wild as it is, we don't want to put that on ANYONE. When you've watched the happiness and light leave someone's eyes from telling them where we are one time, we avoid doing that again, because we know personally, how costly it is. 'I'm fine' with a fake smile is a l w a y s free of charge.
I really thought I was doing well, but lately it all is just starting to not feel like it’s worthwhile again. It feels cyclic and lackluster. I’ve been here before – sitting with this depression and it seems like each time it happens it’s worse and I am really trying again this time. I knew I was slipping into this and I couldn’t get out. Sleeping, walking, writing, music, showers, talking, more sunshine. They’re not working. Nothing combats the feeling of loneliness and worthlessness when it’s so deeply ingrained. Therapy helps, but it doesn't help because you've been tiptoeing around the root cause of most of your problems. I've been tackling the surface dust of depression and not doing a deep clean and re-organization because I'm too tired and afraid. Evasion is a skill I've honed and it's easier to slip back into old habits of chasing adrenaline rushes and being reckless instead. It sucks being as self aware as I am, but not being able to save me from me. I know I'm standing in my own way, but I can't move me.. I'm screaming and I'm trying, but I am just catatonic.
Comentários